Brain Dump

By far, for as long as I can fathom, once I'm alone, sitting in a relatively cold room I feel one or a combination of the following emotions: the most common one would be randy-ness about men, the next one would be paranoia about some disease or ill event, and the last one would curiosity of the many things I find fascinating or dull at the moment. Randy-ness would be felt in tandem with paranoia. If paranoia came first it would most likely be partnered with curiosity. Whereas curiosity would most likely be coupled with randy-ness. Interesting emotional states they are because they seem to rule my life. Ultimately though, I end up having all of these emotional states in the same time. In that point however, I try to work out which state would best please me given my situation, whatever that situation may be.

In the muck of sorting out what my mind wants and what my spirit needs, I often end up getting lazy and doing nothing at all. But when I had enough of idleness, which is when I remind myself that 'life is short' and therefore I have to find a meaning and purpose for it as fast as I can, I boot up my mind again. I tackle first the grand themes of life, the universe and existence itself. These grandoise themes always include God, if there is a God, why do we need God, does everything mean something, is there a purpose to existence. Or are all of my premises that imply a God and a purpose to things are simply wrong and that everything, and I mean everything is merely a product of happenstance and randomness that widely branches out to a lot of possible outcomes. These questions of course, require a whole mess of time, a good grasp of reality, and near inexhaustible capacity to think things of very tidious quality. All of these requirements I barely have, so therefore, before I go about answering my questions, I need to find it in myself the will to do it, and the perserverance to accomplish it all while I'm still alive.

As of late, there have been numorous yet feeble attempts on my part to jump start my ancient traits of GC-ness and stong will, alot of attempts were also done to awaken my want of getting sexy and buff. The feeble attempts with regards to my mind have worked but in a rather small way. True jolts of will and passion to excel only occur when I'm reminded by my mind that I have goals, big and unfathomable goals at that. Quickly glancing at my overall GWA of 1.87 reminds me that I do need to do a lot more stuff, If i ever want to get the future I so helplessly covet. But alas, from time to time feelings of loss, poor self-esteem, and an over-all hatred for alot things bring me down, causing me to feel inadequate.

Damn!, I say to myself who was so foolish and haughty in my younger days causing a huge wave of hatred and ostracism against me as a result. Don't think I've got an inferiority complex though, Its more of an odd mix between it and over-confidece. I have a shell of inferiority to seem humble and weak at times, while I maintain a constant core of will and passion whose affinity is somewhere between Good and Fell. This gives me the assurance that I'm not weak but it does gove an impression that I'm slow, well mostly because at times, I really am.

As for the bit about my body, I only get conscious about my figure when I watch porn. That's when my urges to find a good looking and well-bodied man returns thinking that the key to getting one is my own sexiness. After reminding myself that I have a stock of men for my future, I quickly reject Ideas of dieting while accepting the idea that I need to exercise once in a while. The purpose of the exercises, is not to get slim, but to prevent my already round body to get any rounder. That is if it does, whatever good looks I feel I have, would be completely unnocticed since I'm grotesquely fat.

If you, the reader guessed that i'm in my curiousity phase then you are correct. Since I have spent this much time writing this gunk up after inquiring my brain as to what to think about, what to write about and what would have to come next it in my life, I really have to be that curious, that inquisitive about myself since much of myself, at least its functioning parts, is well buried beneath the mess of my conscious mind. This state is very much essential to every major moral, emotional, and academic decision I face since my mind needs to go like this: 'Oh gee, the Surface mind is so fucked up it can't process anything! I wonder what my Internal mind has thought of.'.

This is, I guess, the end for now. And before you go back to your lives, I just want to say, that I work best without sleep while under the effects of 4 full cups of coffee.