Brain Dump

After recovering from my God-is-all and Oh-my-God-I'm-Going-to-hell-because-I'm-Gay phase, I started to seriously philosophize a lot of stuff about my life and existence in general. In my self-forged philosophies, I like to add as much God, much science, and much common sense as I can to make anything in my existence rational at all. Making sense of things by combining the three isn't really rational or even practical since a lot of stuff within those lines of thought often contradict one another.

Since much of the stuff tends to negate the other, I end up confused and trembling from a very painful migraine. Thoughts such as this I consider as BS. My mind can't really take much BS so more often than not, it enters the slumps and slow-downs which I often blog about. Recently, because I had already accumulated much BS in my head, as a result of philosophizing, I decide to say stuff along the lines of 'fuck it all' or 'what the hell for'. 

Statements such as 'fuck it all' and 'what the hell for' translate in my head as 'why am I alive in the first place?'. This wonderful query into existence is logically followed by 'is there a purpose to my life?'.  In much grander scales I ask myself, 'why is anything alive at all?', 'why is their anything to exist in the first place?' , 'is their a purpose to existence at all?', 'is their a god?', and of course the biggest and most pressing question my brain asks itself is ' why do we need a god in the first place?'. These questions, as silly and cumbersome as they may seem to most people, are very important to me.  These thoughts, oddly enough, wake me up from my mental slump, starting the cycle of BS all over again. 

Thoughts of God never really escape me however rational or however liberal my thinking gets.  He seems to always muck up my brain, despite the fact that I gave up my bible-humping days. You see, to me, God is the center of rationality. This is because in my mind without God to take the irrationalities of science, and to fill the void of the purpose of existence, our existence, at least in my opinion, would be very chaotic. Chaos would be the cause of existence and it was through chaos life existed. Without him to give everything a purpose, to give existence an actual reason to exist, the sense of order that I feel within me would be gone. It would be that we just exist. We at the start have no purpose at all and we have to actually think and work on what our purpose should be.

Maybe my God-is-all phase isn't quite over, or it maybe in fact, a critical aspect of my identity. Don't think that I'd go all bible-humper again though. I'll go for a spiritual, rational, scientific, and practical path to God if such path is possible. I promise however, That I will not go about school preaching to every passerby and acquaintance about god, like I so regretfully did last summer.