Brain Dump

April 2, 2007

Secret Spot with my crush

Going about the day thinking of what to post is something very hard for me to do. The hardness of the feat does not come from composing the post but from reactions i think of that would come after if ever anyone would read it. In fact, even though none has been posted yet, many scenarios start in my head as to how people could possibly think of what I write. Assuming of course, anyone at all bothers to read them.

Other than the normally expected negative reactions of indifference, my most feared negative reaction would be that of my readers (if any) laughing or disparaging me because my compositions are of poor grammar, poor coherence, and of poor overall taste. The combination of thinking of all these scenarios and my commonly occuring mental blackouts hampers whatever is left of my creative process. This then starts my cycle of self deprecating thinking which then leads to sense of worthlessness in the future.

Me posting stuff in my blog sometimes become a necessity. No deadline in posting stuff or nothing really important to post about yet I still find it important to be done. Maybe because posting something in a blog for everyone to see serves as a form of self-fulfillment, something that reassures me that I still have half-decent faculties of english worth using.

Someday, I hope, I'll be able to post something actually worth reading by blog readers. Something not purely a diary entry but a genuine attempt to impart knowledge or even a genuine attempt at being entertaining. That is of course, my self-inflicted cycles of destructive thinking dont kill-off whatever remains of my ability to write.