Being Randy

There is something about being alone in a cold office room that makes me so damn randy. The sheer absence of anyone to take my attention makes my brain go about the usual stuff it likes to dwell on. Since my mind loves to dwell on the images of hot, sweaty asian men, it does so when I'm alone in a cold office room. This commonly disturbing thought process for normal people is very much common for me. These thoughts however get tiresome at times, especially when I have no one to accept the raging passion in me.

As of late, this kind of mind set has been occuring quite regularly. I really do not have anyone to do funky with so I end up, very badly, a horny mess. It has reached levels so bad, I have nearly taken my male office partner on the spot, in the hopes that he'd like it too and do it with me. Of course, in order to avoid embarassing moments in the future and law suites against me, I don't actually in a physical sense, try to take him. I merely take a naughty glance at him when he's not looking and start asking myself 'should i do it?'. After remembering he's not all that cute* and he might not do it with me anyway, my urges just get locked again. This however, makes every other future instance of randiness, a much more painful experience to stop since it has been bottled up for quite a number of years.

My randiness, therefore, never actually leaves me or is never actually quenched. It goes on, quite restlessly, in cycles. It gets activated through various triggers and eventually gets bottled up again when there is no feasible way of satisfying it, which is quite sadly, the case most of the time. Triggers range from seeing or being with cute* boys to being alone, doing nothing, in a cold office room. I encounter these triggers quite regularly, usually in succession. It is therefore quit easy to imply that I am randy all the time. This of course, is very true.

The type of randiness I feel when I'm with my bestfriend, who is also a guy, is quite a peculiar one. It is not so much a throbbing and swelling of my loins but more of a generel sensation of warmth and pleasure throughout my body. Not a part of me hardens, it just gets all warm and tingly. I suppose it behaves like this because its not just the case that I lust for him, its the case that not only do I lust for him, I love him quite a lot too. The things I do to him to please myself would never count as harassment since he not only allows me to do them, he loves me back too, not as a lover, but as his bestfriend.

The type of randiness I feel for every other cute* man is the same. When I get all charged up about them, I, in my mind, and hopefully one day in reality, want to screw them good.

There are of course alternate methods in satisying these feelings without actually doing it or having to bottle them up. I don't need to really state what these are since I hope that you already get my point.

This point is commonly done by guys my age, and I think, my kind, does it more often. There are some straight males and people of my kind who fear God's wrath, hell, and the general feeling of ickiness so these types might not do it as often as us or maybe not do it all. There are even those, some who I know, God Bless them, that have no urges at all. I point quite alot. If I could find a guy to be monogamous with, pointing would not be needed.

Forgive me, please do, if parts of your brain that handles morality bursted after reading this post.

*It is quite important to note that my concept of a man's cuteness is very unique since cute guys for me look normal or even look unaccceptable for most people I know.

To the man I…

This post is for the man I… He in his cuteness, requested me to comment on something he devised. Here it goes dear.

In my mind, the key to any major change or development in a community's political condition is the willingness of all those concerned to partake in the many processes that will allow change. The change, whether incited by the elect or the people should be beneficial for everyone, with little or no loses, with litttle or no negative effect to anyone whatsoever. The people empowered to do the leading on the otherhand, should always reflect the will of the populace in doing such things. The lack of any of these things stated above, in my opinion, would lead to the failure or poor performance of any community project.

I know, these Ideas are quite grand but at least I've shared my view on how our student government should be. The biggest hurdle in your plan is the people itself. You and your entire team should make up something that would interest the students to participate in school activities just for the plain fun of it. Things must also be done in motivating the body to have not only a sense of nationalism but a sense of UP community identity. Once these grand, yet still possible conditions are met, executing your plan should be quite easy.

I hope I've been helpful to you dear.

Brain Dump

There is as certain futility in constantly philosophizing about life when you're trying to have one yourself. All the constant mucking about in your head about why there's life and existence in the first place wastes alot of your own life. It eats up alot of time, making you lose the time you need for your own personal happiness. This is how I am. It does waste my time and my life. I am kind of happy though.

The whole slosh of thinking up reasons to life and existence made me lose alot of things. In the flurry of my thoughts my grades went down. The madness and stress of this self-imposed burden made me lose my will to exercise making me fat. It has, in the bigger sense of things made me alot worse instead of making me an overall better person. It has however, made me wiser.

Despite the crazyness, it allowed me to develop a calm, a zen even, of concentration and deep thought. This allows me in turn to further analyze my problems, attempt to solve it, and cope with the other horrifying things that plague me. Forgive me for holding a candle to myself but, without this self-pronounced talent to hold my self-esteem together, I would probably get a knife and stab myself, multiple times, to death.

The whole lot of philosophizing began when I had a severe bout with paranoia regarding a disease I shall never think of again. I never had it, and hope never will, but I thought I did because I'm that crazy. Anyway, since I thought I was going to die, I started thinking about everything. And I mean everything. I buried this past but I believe the burial brought a couple aspects of me with it. It killed my lust for tomorrow. It killed my lust for more gadgets. It killed my drive to do anything. It basically killed my passion and hopes about the future. It made my dreams die.

I now live for today. I live for that day with my friends and my family. I live for that day knowing I did a good job. I live for that day knowing that I did something good for someone else. I live for that day when I feel simply happy and content with the life I have now. Dreams and goals will be fulfilled one day, I hope. I guess, for as long as I live a day to its best, those things will be fulfilled. Paranoia and thinking way too much killed alot of my passion, but it has rooted me. It made me grounded, easing out my mind into a solid path despite the fucked-up nature of my head.

Passion and a whole lot of stuff will have to be revived soon since I realize it will make whatever remains of my life interesting, or at least worth while. The period when my heart just went dead sucks ass and I don't want that to ever happen again. To avoid this, I need to find new reasons as why I should continue living in the hopes it would restore my passion for life. This bit and my recent experiences with a few special someones made me happy as of late and I do hope this goes on.

The path to a normal, well-adjusted self, especially when starting really crazy, is riddled with strange or at least stressing things that any level-headed human mind can go without. The part of that path you just read now can be visualized as this. It can be pictured as someone looking at a video of himself watching a video of himself, where himself is pondering about stuff that can potentially make himself go zonkers.

Damn!

Damn!  my spelling sucks!

Brain Dump

By far, for as long as I can fathom, once I'm alone, sitting in a relatively cold room I feel one or a combination of the following emotions: the most common one would be randy-ness about men, the next one would be paranoia about some disease or ill event, and the last one would curiosity of the many things I find fascinating or dull at the moment. Randy-ness would be felt in tandem with paranoia. If paranoia came first it would most likely be partnered with curiosity. Whereas curiosity would most likely be coupled with randy-ness. Interesting emotional states they are because they seem to rule my life. Ultimately though, I end up having all of these emotional states in the same time. In that point however, I try to work out which state would best please me given my situation, whatever that situation may be.

In the muck of sorting out what my mind wants and what my spirit needs, I often end up getting lazy and doing nothing at all. But when I had enough of idleness, which is when I remind myself that 'life is short' and therefore I have to find a meaning and purpose for it as fast as I can, I boot up my mind again. I tackle first the grand themes of life, the universe and existence itself. These grandoise themes always include God, if there is a God, why do we need God, does everything mean something, is there a purpose to existence. Or are all of my premises that imply a God and a purpose to things are simply wrong and that everything, and I mean everything is merely a product of happenstance and randomness that widely branches out to a lot of possible outcomes. These questions of course, require a whole mess of time, a good grasp of reality, and near inexhaustible capacity to think things of very tidious quality. All of these requirements I barely have, so therefore, before I go about answering my questions, I need to find it in myself the will to do it, and the perserverance to accomplish it all while I'm still alive.

As of late, there have been numorous yet feeble attempts on my part to jump start my ancient traits of GC-ness and stong will, alot of attempts were also done to awaken my want of getting sexy and buff. The feeble attempts with regards to my mind have worked but in a rather small way. True jolts of will and passion to excel only occur when I'm reminded by my mind that I have goals, big and unfathomable goals at that. Quickly glancing at my overall GWA of 1.87 reminds me that I do need to do a lot more stuff, If i ever want to get the future I so helplessly covet. But alas, from time to time feelings of loss, poor self-esteem, and an over-all hatred for alot things bring me down, causing me to feel inadequate.

Damn!, I say to myself who was so foolish and haughty in my younger days causing a huge wave of hatred and ostracism against me as a result. Don't think I've got an inferiority complex though, Its more of an odd mix between it and over-confidece. I have a shell of inferiority to seem humble and weak at times, while I maintain a constant core of will and passion whose affinity is somewhere between Good and Fell. This gives me the assurance that I'm not weak but it does gove an impression that I'm slow, well mostly because at times, I really am.

As for the bit about my body, I only get conscious about my figure when I watch porn. That's when my urges to find a good looking and well-bodied man returns thinking that the key to getting one is my own sexiness. After reminding myself that I have a stock of men for my future, I quickly reject Ideas of dieting while accepting the idea that I need to exercise once in a while. The purpose of the exercises, is not to get slim, but to prevent my already round body to get any rounder. That is if it does, whatever good looks I feel I have, would be completely unnocticed since I'm grotesquely fat.

If you, the reader guessed that i'm in my curiousity phase then you are correct. Since I have spent this much time writing this gunk up after inquiring my brain as to what to think about, what to write about and what would have to come next it in my life, I really have to be that curious, that inquisitive about myself since much of myself, at least its functioning parts, is well buried beneath the mess of my conscious mind. This state is very much essential to every major moral, emotional, and academic decision I face since my mind needs to go like this: 'Oh gee, the Surface mind is so fucked up it can't process anything! I wonder what my Internal mind has thought of.'.

This is, I guess, the end for now. And before you go back to your lives, I just want to say, that I work best without sleep while under the effects of 4 full cups of coffee.

Brain Dump

Though I do recognize God as an essential aspect of my life, I have never thought, as of late, to abandon my gayness. Hell and the lot about eternal pain had deterred my embrace of this lifestyle for quite some time but it really feels unimportant to me. No really, It isn't an issue anymore.  Its not because that I believe that Hell doesn't exist, its more of I think, Homosexuality isn't that much of a sin.

Erasing the muck about lust, being cruel, and being overly effeminate, homosexual desires and homosexual relationships, at least in my opinion, is romantic attraction or love between people of the same sex.  It would then, again at least in my opinion, be as normal as all the other 'normal' romantic relationships out there. Believe me, in my lucid attempts at courting, meaning the times that I don't just want to get them in the sack, I simply do like them. In more serious situations, I just simply, love them. 

Yes, I know very well that the bible is completely against the whole homosexuality thing or even sex in general. There are however, recent attempts in the Christian community that say a whole lot about bible truths have been lost in its translations between hebrew, greek, latin and then eventually english. In fact, there has been lots of studies regarding the persons who've written them, questioning if they truly were expressing 'God's Will' or merely expressing their point-of-view about how God would think. It's interesting to know what these studies would come up with one day. Don't worry, these are being done by real historians so we're assured of at least some professionalism or an objective approach to the topic. 

So it looks like I'll be gay for a long time, if not my entire life. It is interesting to note though, that according to those who know me, my taste in men's looks is comparable to a dog's taste in eating a dug up bone over a freshly cooked slice of beef. 

Brain Dump

After recovering from my God-is-all and Oh-my-God-I'm-Going-to-hell-because-I'm-Gay phase, I started to seriously philosophize a lot of stuff about my life and existence in general. In my self-forged philosophies, I like to add as much God, much science, and much common sense as I can to make anything in my existence rational at all. Making sense of things by combining the three isn't really rational or even practical since a lot of stuff within those lines of thought often contradict one another.

Since much of the stuff tends to negate the other, I end up confused and trembling from a very painful migraine. Thoughts such as this I consider as BS. My mind can't really take much BS so more often than not, it enters the slumps and slow-downs which I often blog about. Recently, because I had already accumulated much BS in my head, as a result of philosophizing, I decide to say stuff along the lines of 'fuck it all' or 'what the hell for'. 

Statements such as 'fuck it all' and 'what the hell for' translate in my head as 'why am I alive in the first place?'. This wonderful query into existence is logically followed by 'is there a purpose to my life?'.  In much grander scales I ask myself, 'why is anything alive at all?', 'why is their anything to exist in the first place?' , 'is their a purpose to existence at all?', 'is their a god?', and of course the biggest and most pressing question my brain asks itself is ' why do we need a god in the first place?'. These questions, as silly and cumbersome as they may seem to most people, are very important to me.  These thoughts, oddly enough, wake me up from my mental slump, starting the cycle of BS all over again. 

Thoughts of God never really escape me however rational or however liberal my thinking gets.  He seems to always muck up my brain, despite the fact that I gave up my bible-humping days. You see, to me, God is the center of rationality. This is because in my mind without God to take the irrationalities of science, and to fill the void of the purpose of existence, our existence, at least in my opinion, would be very chaotic. Chaos would be the cause of existence and it was through chaos life existed. Without him to give everything a purpose, to give existence an actual reason to exist, the sense of order that I feel within me would be gone. It would be that we just exist. We at the start have no purpose at all and we have to actually think and work on what our purpose should be.

Maybe my God-is-all phase isn't quite over, or it maybe in fact, a critical aspect of my identity. Don't think that I'd go all bible-humper again though. I'll go for a spiritual, rational, scientific, and practical path to God if such path is possible. I promise however, That I will not go about school preaching to every passerby and acquaintance about god, like I so regretfully did last summer.

Brain Dump

April 2, 2007

Secret Spot with my crush

Going about the day thinking of what to post is something very hard for me to do. The hardness of the feat does not come from composing the post but from reactions i think of that would come after if ever anyone would read it. In fact, even though none has been posted yet, many scenarios start in my head as to how people could possibly think of what I write. Assuming of course, anyone at all bothers to read them.

Other than the normally expected negative reactions of indifference, my most feared negative reaction would be that of my readers (if any) laughing or disparaging me because my compositions are of poor grammar, poor coherence, and of poor overall taste. The combination of thinking of all these scenarios and my commonly occuring mental blackouts hampers whatever is left of my creative process. This then starts my cycle of self deprecating thinking which then leads to sense of worthlessness in the future.

Me posting stuff in my blog sometimes become a necessity. No deadline in posting stuff or nothing really important to post about yet I still find it important to be done. Maybe because posting something in a blog for everyone to see serves as a form of self-fulfillment, something that reassures me that I still have half-decent faculties of english worth using.

Someday, I hope, I'll be able to post something actually worth reading by blog readers. Something not purely a diary entry but a genuine attempt to impart knowledge or even a genuine attempt at being entertaining. That is of course, my self-inflicted cycles of destructive thinking dont kill-off whatever remains of my ability to write.